Our Behavior Affects Others – How to Bring out the Best in All
The ninth Principle of Heartful Living focuses on how one’s thoughts and behaviors affect others and how we can change them. This Principle states that we should ‘Mould our living so as to rouse a feeling of love and piety in others’. This truly is a tall order, so tall indeed as to feel insurmountable. Nevertheless, I have spent considerable time over the years first trying to understand what this actually means and second, grappling with what I need to do to embody this principle. Over time, I have begun to appreciate the road map that Babuji laid out for mastering this Principle. From his commentary, I have identified several important concepts and their implications for daily life.
The first concept that I took from Principle 9 is the power of thought. When I am angry with another person, that person invariably knows it, even if I don’t explicitly say or do anything to ‘show my anger’. Indeed, I might have a smile on my face and behave with ‘utmost decorum’ but the other person experiences my anger, either consciously or subconsciously, because the vibrations of my thoughts are so powerful. Those vibrations cannot be masked by my outward appearances. Think how hard it is to settle a fussy baby when one’s mind is full of irritation at the baby for fussing! I might sing lullabies, and rock the baby gently, but if my mind is upset – the baby knows and fusses even more. Masking my inner anger by my outward appearance is a bit like trying to mask body odor with a perfume. And now compare the effect of calming a fussy baby when you are completely open to the needs and responses of the baby. How different life could be if I mastered my thoughts!
The only way I know of to truly master my thoughts is to empty my mind of everything except that which is in tune with ‘Nature’s need’ and to keep my awareness always on the needs of Nature. This emptying of my thoughts is facilitated by the daily cleaning process (Blog 3); keeping my attention on Nature’s need is facilitated by daily meditation on the heart (Blog 2). I have learned that real commitment to these daily practices is required, along with using my will to observe myself and to modulate my thoughts. This is not always easy, but is well worth the effort!
One way to evaluate progress toward mastering my thoughts is by unflinchingly evaluating the extent to which my outward behaviors (words and deeds) match my inner thoughts. With attention to these two facets of my being, I can begin to appreciate when my outer (or surface) behavior is welcoming, polite and engaging while my mind is carrying on a silent conversation denigrating or disparaging the other person. The upshot is a disconnect, resulting in a chaotic vibratory state that cannot begin to rouse a feeling of love and piety in anyone! If I am clear eyed and honest as I observe, I can always ‘know’ whether my inner self and outer persona are aligned.
The second important concept is the recognition that Nature deals with all with uniformity. For example, as Babuji pointed out, the sun shines equally on all. The sun shines on corn whether it is planted in good soil and with good irrigation or is planted in rocky and poor soil without sufficient water. Corn, planted in a favorable environment, benefits more from the sun than does corn with inadequate resources. Similarly, Nature offers all people the same possibilities, yet the people who mould their thoughts and behaviors to be in tune with Nature are better positioned to benefit from that which Nature has to offer. This leads me to think about how I, too, can treat everyone the same. This concept further emphasizes how critical it is for me to be aware of my thoughts and behaviors and to modulate them as needed so that my thoughts and behaviors more closely match Nature’s needs.
The third concept, and one that I have found truly life altering is to take to heart the importance of diversity. Babuji used a beautiful example of the diverse colors of flowers in nature; how boring nature would be if all flowers were identical in color and form. Similarly, people have a large range of personalities, behaviors, and priorities. I started thinking about this in connection with a colleague who really irritated me. Natasha (not her real name) would set meetings and arrive 15 or 30 or even 45 minutes late; or she would change the timing at the last minute. Because of the nature of my professional work along with my inherent personality, timeliness had long been important to me. Another person’s lack of timeliness could significantly impact my day. Hence when Natasha was late, I was irritated. Even if I masked my irritation, I am fairly certain that she knew. As I began to think about Nature’s need for diversity, it occurred to me that Natasha had qualities that I might never have – important qualities that make her special. And those very qualities most likely contributed to her lack of attention to timeliness. I realized that Natasha was a ‘different flower’. This simple shift in perception helped me to let go of my irritation and respond in a very different, and more natural, way.
I have learned to use this metaphor of ‘different flowers’ whenever I notice that someone’s behavior irritates me. And lo and behold, I find that every time I broaden my perspective about the other person, I can appreciate the other person’s attributes and remember to bring about the necessary harmony within my ‘self’.
Understanding that different people are different flowers does not prevent me from setting limits with the other person. However, if I have carefully evaluated my inner need, am true to that need, and make that need clear without any emotion but rather as a statement of what I can or cannot do, then I limit the negative vibration. For example, when Natasha wants to change the time of a meeting, if I can easily accommodate the request, I accommodate without the irritation. On the other hand, if she wants to change the time of the meeting to a time that doesn’t work for me, I simply state that I can’t do it without any emotional overlay.
Principle 9 is very comforting; it takes the concept of ‘love’ right out of the current human context. It doesn’t tell me to become some sweet and ‘loving’ person who never says a harsh word, never expresses frustration, never … No, that’s not what it’s about. Rather, it tells me that the thought at the base of my thought is what is important – the acceptance of all people for what they are, for how they are. This Principle provides me with a path that eventually will rouse a feeling of love in them.
I had a small example of this in my life with my mother. From early childhood, we had a tumultuous relationship; we were like oil and water. After I had been meditating for some years, I realized that I wanted my mother to relate to me in a way that she didn’t (maybe couldn’t), and because of feeling ‘let down’ I wasn’t able to see who she was. When I realized ‘she is what she is, and I must accept her as she is’, when I let go of expectation, she began to relate with me in a more open way. By the end of her life, we had become close.
Over time, I have become more and more aware that when someone frustrates me it is usually because I want them to ‘be me’ – to be like me - not remembering that Nature requires many types of flowers, all of which have their own role, their own strengths and contributions to the whole. I have seen this story play out over and over in my life. When I judge another person it sets up a tension – sometimes subtle and sometimes quite overt – that colors our entire relationship and certainly doesn’t rouse feelings of love and piety. And when I accept the other person, they are more likely to accept me. Someday I will be so tuned to Nature that I won’t recognize any difference between ‘them’ and ‘me’. Someday I will be so tuned to Nature, that I will engender love and piety … I have learned to be vigilant about my thoughts and – although I haven’t mastered it yet – have become much more alert to the detrimental consequences of judgment.
Daaji, my spiritual teacher, talks often about the need for unity amongst all. Recently, while thinking about Principle 9, it occurred to me that unity amongst all is only achieved when each of us has unity within ourselves. Further, I realized that I lose this sense of unity (or coherence between my inner self and outer persona) when I have my own agenda which differs from Nature’s agenda. This brings to mind that having an agenda different from Nature’s agenda is like trying to serve two bosses at the same time which never works smoothly unless the two bosses happen to be in absolute agreement. Then I started thinking about how I might recognize Nature’s agenda for me. I have realized that all I have to do is take the time to get out of my head and into my heart -- to act ‘heartfully’. I have learned from my spiritual teachers that the heart always knows - - I just have to be willing to listen. And indeed, it is my experience that if I pause and take the time to listen to my heart, I can always hear it. And when I do hear my heart, I can be in tune with Nature. This ‘listening to my heart’ hasn’t come easily, but with diligent practice, my deepest inner voice is increasingly clear to me. Some day, it will be the only voice I hear. Then maybe I will live in such a manner as to rouse feelings of love and piety in others.